One of my life’s great joys is the time spent in the stillness, the daily practice of which has been planted, tended, nurtured, and deepened in the process of living by faith in the awakening promised by faithfulness to the doing of the MKMMA exercises. This week, we are to “Select a place which has pleasant associations. Make a complete mental picture of it.”, but we are also to choose a place wherein the feelings are the same ones we express in our Definite Major Purpose. I cannot tell you how very excited I was at the prospect of doing so! What are the emotions expressed in my DMP? Joy. Delight. Thrill. Happiness. Excitement. Freedom. Peace. Courage…..the list goes on and on.
I had difficulty picking a specific moment in my life, so I set the intention that my subconscious mind finds the perfect moment. I settle in for my 30 minutes of bliss, and my mind begins the reconnaissance mission of finding THE MOMENT. I think I am a time traveler, going back to the exercise wherein we were to have no thought. I feel like St. John of the Cross, experiencing my own Dark Night of the Soul. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Are all the feelings of my DMP counterfeits? I reflect on my feeling life. “Life is expressive, and it is our business to express ourselves harmoniously.” [Haanel 4, Introduction] Well, that may be all well and good in the REAL WORLD of the unseen, but in MY Family, STOICISM reigned supreme!! I am angry, blaming, rendering my heart into fuel for the fire. Have I ever had permission to express feelings? NO!!! The few moments of deep feelings are fleeting, and quickly brought under wraps lest the even keel of unfeeling falsely labeled as ‘peaceful calm’ is perturbed. I am in the crucible of decision, of choosing today whom I will serve. Will I serve death and despair, the emotional life of the LURKER, or will I choose a life of expansive, exuberant, vibrant aliveness and joy? Whom this day will I serve?
DEATH TO SMOOCHY! I refuse to live under the tyranny of emotional zombie-ism.
The Sleeper Has Awakened!!!! But HOW do I choose a life of feelings? I have failed so many times, retreating in terror to the fraudulent safety and security of my self-imposed prison of isolationism and resignation. What must be done to gain a pardon from this final judgment placed upon my soul?
AAAAHHHHH. The words of my DMP come to me. What is my sacrifice? Forgiveness. I release my need to punish myself for failing to live out loud, for failing to shine the light placed within me by God, for failing to express that life which can only be revealed through me, for I am a unique creation. Forgiveness, the sacred work which frees the soul and releases the mind to create in tune with the infinite. Forgiveness. I forgive all of them for their collective consciousness of concrete encasing my Golden Buddha and imprisoning my Dharma.
The tears do not stop, but are transformed into tears of gratitude, of love, of joy. Moment after moment after moment appears in my consciousness. Scenes of Peace, of laughter, of joy, of accomplishment, of happiness, of pleasure, of delight. The REAL ME bursts forth, shattering the darkness, a supernova exploding across space and time,
filling the universe with its creative light and energy.
Gratitude overwhelms me. I am humbled by this Path.
If you would like a Copy of Freeing the Heart through Forgiveness, please let me know.
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